They ruined it, they goddam ruined it. God damn Land Rover they ruined the Not British Land Rover Defender. Look at it, looks too posh to wash. This gentrified so-called off-roader looks far too quaint to actually go off-road. We loved the old proper British Land Rover Defender, it wasn’t the first word on ride quality, or comfort, or build quality, or reliability. The seating position was awkward because you sat directly under the battery which made it feel as though you were sitting on the roof. But the proper British Land Rover Defender was built for off-roading, it felt and looked utilitarian and goddamit was unreliable as hell. But we here at DCB, despite our criticism of the Land Rover, we actually loved that pile of proper British dog shit.
Land Rover in it’s marketing and general bullshitting never fails to highlight its Britishness, its traditions and heritage. We know about the engineering, the Not British Land Rover Defender will be unreliable as much as it will be expensive. But think about it, a retro-looking Not British Land Rover Defender would have looked awkward. So Land Rover decided that the new generation Not British Land Rover Defender should go in a new styling direction fit for contemporary 21st-century tastes. And it looks bloody awkward.
What Land Rover should have done is go down the evolutionary path as Mercedes did with the G Glass. Mercedes has a specific design language running throughout its saloons, estates and SUVs. But the G Glass retains an iconic styling language without being retro, it’s modern yet still faithful to the original.
The Not British Land Rover Defender is trying to bury the past with a totally new design language. Which is fine. But we think Land Rover fucked up, as they always seem to do, especially so in the last few years. I tell you what the Not British Land Rover Defender reminds me of, Prince George from 80’s TV comedy show, Black Adder III. It’s rather Regency, flim and flam and with a bit of zhing-and-zahh, tally-ho, pip-pip, woof-woof.
Land Rover you fucked up, you should have evolved the original proper British Land Rover Defender, not this upper-middle-class yobbo. We liked the lower-middle-class proper British Land Rover defender. But the worst of the worst here is that despite all the Britishness being spouted by Land Rover the Not British Land Rover Defender is being made in Slovakia and that’s why it (the Not British Land Rover Defender) is the worst car of the week.