The new unreliable as hell Range Rover Evoque has been awarded a five-star Euro NCAP rating. This means you can now crash the unreliable as hell and highly polluting NEW! Range Rover Evoque very safely indeed. It turns out Land Rover and their next-door neighbour buddies Jaguar were making petrol and diesel engines that emitted more CO2 emissions than JLR cared to admit. Well, they didn’t care. The idiots recently issued a voluntary recall of 44,000 cars.
It’s a double whammy of sorts. On the one hand, diesel engine particulates could kill you. On the other hand, petrol-engined unreliable as hell Land Rovers emitting too much C02 could warm the planet… and kill all of humanity.
But if you are unfortunate enough to be involved in a crash at least you will be able to crash safely in your Range (unreliable as hell) Rover Evoque.
The new unreliable as hell Range Rover Evoque is bulit on a unreliable as hell Land Rover Premium Transverse Architecture. Premium? What… does it use solid silver welding joints?
That’s the problem with all this premium nonsense, five-star crash certification. What is the point of these safety metrics and certifications if the underlying emissions are going to end up causing a pollution genocide?
So, to conclude, you can now survive a crash in an unreliable as hell Evoque. But you’ll still end up killing humans and contributing to global warming… that will kill and displace people.
Well done unreliable as hell (now highly polluting) Range Rover Evoque, you, it, is, was, now is the worst car of the week.